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| From my Facebook profile, now moved here:
Do you believe in signs? In listening to your gut? Going with your
instincts? I do. I believe with all my heart that the universe is
constantly trying to tell us things, showing us the way, reminding us
of who we are and where we really, in our heart of hearts, want to be.
I don’t believe in coincidence. Everything we do is done for a reason.
I think that life always has been and always will be a wild and
ever-changing series of choices, and that we know which choices are
right for us. It is realistic to say, however, that we don’t always
listen to our heart, we don’t always do what’s right for us. We often
settle for whichever path shows the least resistance, we often make the
smart choice, we listen to our head and not our instinct, and while
this path often leads to success of one kind, I think it makes the
world a slightly sadder place when people decide to ignore their
intuition and instead just play it safe.
For years, I think, I’ve been more inclined to do the smart thing. I
went to college at Carleton instead of acting school or some other
school with a strong creative writing program. I did little things that
did seem to be less smart, like dropping my ambition to be a Political
Science or Physics major and instead opting for English, something I
enjoyed far more. But still, I tended to be over-cautious in most of
the choices I did make. As graduation from college got closer and
closer, I listened to my head once again and accepted an amazing
internship that was destined to boost my chances for a successful,
money-making future.
As I grow older and think back on my past, yesterday will go down in my
personal history as a day that I made an incredibly stupid but
oh-so-right choice that has changed my outlook on life…
Yesterday was supposed to be a big day for me, and it certainly was,
but not in the way I had originally planned it to be. I was meant to
get on a plane bound for Beijing, China, where I was to start work at a
successful Australian marketing firm that works mostly with the
Olympics. It was such a great chance for me…I was practically assured
by my future boss that a successful internship period would mean a job
offer, and that that job would pay very, very well. Yes, a majority of
the work would be in-office, and the projects would be stressful at
times and the work would be hard, but he assured me I would never be
bored.
Maybe. But I also felt like I was selling my soul for a few pieces of
paper and some nice new things. Now. I have no problems whatsoever with
people who are able to happily enter the business world and find their
future there. We need business people. We need all of that. But that
life is not for me. I’m not supposed to be a part of that world. It’s
not who I am.
Instead, I saw signs everywhere that I wasn’t supposed to go to China,
I wasn’t supposed to get on that plane. I woke up at 4AM and I felt
sick. Now, I’ve always known I didn’t want to go back to China…I
discussed the job with lots of people, and every always seemed more
excited for me than I was for myself. My heart told me over and over,
every time I mentioned it, that it was not for me. I felt a huge weight
on my shoulders, I felt miserable, going to Beijing was so unappealing
because I knew, I KNEW that if I went, I would end up staying, slaving
away in an office for maybe years of my life. So I woke up in the
middle of a dream about being in a plane crash. Hmmm…now, I’m paranoid
about flying anyways, but still…not a good sign. I kept thinking about
a friend of my sister’s, a man named Joe, a religious man. I have had
very few conversations with him in the past, but one of those
conversations kept coming back to me. We had talked about instinct, and
listening to your gut. He believes that God and the Universe
communicates with us and that we can FEEL which path we’re supposed to
take. And man, something in the universe was definitely telling me that
China was not the place for me. So I called my mom, who’s phone was
off. I called my sister, instead, and wonder of wonders, she was with
her friend Joe, the one I talked to abut listening to your gut…so I
talked to him, and he told me that I knew what he believed, that I had
to listen to my heart. At this point, I was on the L with my brother,
bags packed, at 5AM, on my way to the airport. On Tuesday there was a
derailment on the L, and a tunnel was shut down. My brother and I
walked into the station, where a train to O’Hare was waiting to leave,
and, without the usual warning, the doors slammed shut and the train
started moving just as we reached its doors. Have you ever seen Sliding
Doors? It was like that. Suddenly I had two possible future paths in
front of me…the one where I went to China, and the one where I didn’t…
We waited for a very long time for the next train to O’Hare, and it
came late enough that it is likely that I would have missed my flight.
To me, this was all another sign. We got to O’Hare and I, determined
and a little scared, announced that I wouldn’t be going to China. So I
got back on the train and moved away from what I had thought just that
morning was going to be my future, and it felt right. Suddenly,
amazingly, I felt happy, happier than I’ve been in a very long time.
There is much more to this story, more signs that I did the right
thing. I got on a bus and met a Carleton Alum who solidified my belief
that I did the right think. Let’s just say I will always be grateful
that I met Lauren Simpson. It wasn’t a coincidence that we were both on
that bus.
So I’m forgoing the opportunity to make good money…so what? Sure, it’s
scary, but fuck it. I have come to realize for the most part, people
stress about money whether or not they have a lot of it. Why work a job
that makes me unhappy if the money is going to stress me out anyways?
It’s not worth it…
I woke up this morning excited for my future. Sure, I’m going to end up
working at Starbucks or something for a while, but I’d rather work at a
Starbucks than an office anywhere in the world. At least my mind would
be at ease, and I wouldn’t have my life be consumed by projects and
doing what other people need me to do. I don’t like order and safety.
I’d rather live my life, while I’m young, for myself, and to hell with
the consequences. I want to write. And I’m going to write. It’s who I
am. The day I accept an office job is the day I stop being me.
| | |
| So it's been a really long time since I've written here, but I sort of feel like starting this up again...
I'm sitting in Blue Monday's and there is a table of high school
students sitting next to me discussing global warming, and they're
making me feel a little more hopeful than I have felt about the matter
in a while...talking about making a difference, taking some action, is
the first step! They are talking about other things as well, politics,
world affairs...and they're all still in high school...this makes me
very happy, this dialogue...
I was rereading/deleting some of my old entries here, and a big
question came to mind: am I allowed to be liberally inclined and also
be a Christian? It seems in this day and age, the Republican party has
embraced the stereotype of being the "blindly
religious/Christian"party, while liberals, at least those I know, seem
to generally not be Christian...Jewish, Muslim, maybe, but not often
liberal. I have come to the decision that I am both liberal and
Christian, but this brings with it a lot of conflicts. Take this
passage from Angels & Demons:
"...you proclaim the church is ignorant. But who is more ignorant? The man
who cannot define lighting, or the man who does not respect its awesome
power? This church is reaching out to you. Reaching out to everyone.
And yet the more we reach, the more you push us away. Show me proof
there is a God, you say. I say use your telescopes to look to the
heavens, and tell me how there could NOT be a God! You ask me what does
God look like. I say, where did that question come from? The answers
are one and the same. Do you not see God in science? How can you miss
Him? You proclaim that even the slightest change in the force of
gravity or the weight of an atom would have rendered our universe a
lifeless mist rather than our magnificent sea of heavenly bodies, and
yet you fail to see God's hand in this?!? Is it really so much easier
to believe that we simply chose that right card from a deck of
billions? Have we become so spiritually bankrupt that we would rather
believe in mathematical impossibility than in a power greater than us?
Whether
or not you believe in God, you must believe this. When we as a species
abandon our trust in a power greater than us, we abandon our sense of
accountability. Faith...all faiths...are admonitions that there is
something we cannot understand, something which we are
accountable...With faith we are accountable to each other, to
ourselves, and to a higher truth. Religion is flawed, but only because
man is flawed. If the outside world could see this church as I
do...looking beyond the ritual of these walls...they would see a modern
miracle. A brotherhood of imperfect, simple souls wanting only to be a
voice of compassion in a world spinning out of control.
Are we obsolete?"
I am a fan of science, but can I be a fan of science and be a
Christian? I believe strongly in the message the above passage is
trying to get across, but it makes me feel conflicted, as well...Can I
be pro-choice (I would never get an abortion myself, but I believe that
women should be able to choose) and Christian? Can I be pro-gay
marriage and Christian? I think I can... I was raised Anglican, after
all... but it feels contradictory, at times.
I've decided that, at this time in my life, I want to write politically
charged plays. Plays that make people question...question what, I don't
know, just...question.
Blah. I'm rambling now...more later...
| | |
| I'm doing this for Rachel, just because she thinks I won't.
Love ya, sis.
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10 years ago...
I was in 6th grade, living in Bangkok, going to RIS. I had really super
short hair. I hung out mostly with Patricia, Melanie, Greg, and Paul.
Also Mooky sometimes. Bernard Nunn was my homeroom teacher and I still
adore him 10 years later. I was really very tan and happy to be back in
Bangkok after two years away. It was my dad's last year. Hmm.
5 years ago...
I was in 11th grade in Beijing at BISS. I probably had bleached hair.
Maybe some purple. haha. Oh man. Weird to think about that. Life was
basically Da, Sara, Chris, Charith, Yiftach and company. I wore a lot
of black. Ummm...I was in love with Mr. Giddings. Aaaand I was in the
middle of my first year of the hell that was IB. Blah.
1 year ago...
Junior in college, Carleton College, Northfield MN. It was pretty
fucking cold, like it is now. Ummm...I had much longer hair. I lived
with Laura and Caitlin and it was an awesome room. Awesome floor,
actually, good times. Christmas in Reno was fun. There was a lot of
snow and it was cool.
A week ago...
I was probably doing much of what I'm doing now. Which is
procrastinating and not doing homework. Probably hanging out with Zak
and fucking around on facebook or something.
Yesterday...
Was a bad day.
Today...
Was uneventful. Woke up late, went to work, ate some Taco Bell. Cool.
5 Snacks
1. Is Taco Bell a snack food? haha.
2. Pickles
3. Fruit leather
4. Sea salt & vinegar potato chips
5. Cottage cheese and tomatoes
5 Places (& People) I Would Run Away To
1. Ireland with the family (Mom, Ian, Rachel, AND MaWinKyi)
2. Hawaii with Zak
3. Sweden with whoever
4. London with Caitlin, Molly, and James
5. Venice with anyone I love
5 Things I Would Never (Be Able To) Wear
1. Black & navy together (not counting black shoes)
2. Anything vinyl (if it wasn't Halloween, of course)
3. Lace pants (I've seen them, they exist)
4. Matching jeans and jean jacket
5. Leather pants
5 Favorite Movies
1. Miracle
2. Gone With the Wind
3. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
4. Dangerous Beauty
5. Legends of the Falls
There are many more movies I would list here. Hmm.
5 Bad Habits
1. Not calling my family back
2. Facebooking obsessively
3. Pouting
4. Getting jealous
5. Leaving my laundry all over my floor. Along with my clean clothes.
5 Biggest Joys
1. Family first and foremost
2. Being in a room with all my girls
3. Zak
4. Reading a book that really intrigues me.
5. Writing when I feel inspired.
5 Fictional Characters I Would Date
1. Rhett Butler (even with all that chest and facial hair)
2. Mark Darcy
3. Mark from Love, Actually
4. Sawyer from Lost (although I agree, Rachel, Jack's pretty darn hot)
5. Captain Jack Sparrow. haha.
Annnnd done.
| | |
| for stephen...i don't even know what to write, what to say, how to react, how to comprehend, how to even acknowledge that you are really and truly gone. you were just a kid. you had a good heart, a good soul, a good spirit...your mind just wasn't always in the right place. life was abruptly and unfairly taken from you, and i'm sorry you had to die in such a terrible way. i know my sister and melody and all those kids cared about you, and i know in your heart that you knew that and cared about them, too. i wish you had taken better care of yourself, kid...you would still be here if you had. and i'm sorry that none of us could help you. so farewell, ching. i know you're in a much better place now, but down here, you will be missed.
"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count...it's the life in your years."
-Abraham Lincoln | | |
| i discovered this morning that my beloved sanlitun southern bar area in beijing has been brutally torn down (or will be very soon), and i'm overcome with sadness about this. goodbye durty nellies! there go all of our high school memories, all those crazy drunken nights with bob marley in r&b, 10RMB ($1!) shots at black sun, and red bull and vodkas at tanewha with riki, chris, and the girls. ahhh! it's like an entire huge chunk of my life is being ripped out of the ground. at least i'll still remember the good times, eh?
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